# And she'll take what you give her, as long as its free.....
Mad panic, why wasn't she in school? The first thing that sprung to mind was that he had carried out his threat. They were gone, I would never see her again. I had been in contact with Relate years ago, just in case, registered her details, a lock of hair, fingerprints, if needed on file.
The police were called, the long stony questions, why, who, what. If I knew the answers none of us would be sitting here. It eventually came to light that another girl was missing with her. She was 11, very disturbing in West London, which is a very large place to say the least. I was streetwise, had grown up on some of the worst Yorkshire estates, and have never forgotten my roots. Unfortunately because of her naiivety and behavioural issues she had no sense of right and wrong, and was vulnerable and far younger than her 11 years.
It got to ten o'clock at night, when the phone rang. My nurse hat went on, don't panic, stay calm, even though inside I was enraged, boiling mad. She had stayed out with a friend in a derelict house. On her return, she told me lurid stories of the inhabitants of this place, addicts, alcoholics, where they had spent the day. I could not quite believe my ears, but then this is all she had ever known. This is how she felt safe. Amongst the mad world of her father. No amount of advice, or conversation, filtered through. I recognised this blank wall, nothing filtrates it, it never had with my Mum, with her father. Could this really be happening again?
I was by now in another relationship, stable, happy. She, however was intent on being unstable, permanently had her finger on the self destruct button.
The long stream of psychologists, behavioural experts, who could find nothing wrong. The CT scans and endless medical tests which were all negative. Once again I was at fault, it was because she wanted to see her father, it was my fault, I needed to be taught how to be a mother. What did I see in my childhood they asked that had led to me being a dysfunctional mother. All I wanted was for her to be happy, which she never was.
She started drinking alcohol, smoking. Yes we have all done it, me included. But at the age of 11? Every single day? No.
She would do anything to get her fix. Steal, lie, from her own home and shops. I fought to get her help, social workers. Every single one blamed me and refused to help.
In desperation, I gave up my job, uprooted my life and moved to the coast. Surely this would help? Sadly no. She went missing so often that even the police refused to go and look for her in the end. Who can blame them, they had real fish to fry. I would take her back to the shops and make her take back what she had stolen, asked them to ban her. She just found other shops. I would take her to school, she would walk out of the exit at the other side. School was fantastic and tried so hard with her, but nothing was working. One day she got a friend so drunk that he had his stomach pumped. She rang me so desperate and said she no longer wanted to live. How do you answer that question from a 12 year old when it doesn't sink in. Yet I continued to battle on. She would scream, damage property, and many a time threatened me with a knife. However social workers were not interested.
The 1st night she never came home, I thought she was in the gutter. She had been put into temporary foster care, had refused to say who she was or where she lived. More parenting "reconciliation" lessons ensued. The next week she went missing every single night.
I made a decision, enough was enough. I took her to Social Services and refused to leave until we were seen. Surprising how you get seen when you push hard enough. I sat in the room and through tears said please take her, and keep her safe, make her well, get her the help she needs. Some of you may have been through that? If so you have my sympathy, and I never judge anyone ever in life. However if you have not had this situation just consider for a moment what it feels like. So what happened? They threatened me with prosecution if I walked out of there. Before I could answer she bolted. Laughable, she was even in control then. They continued to refuse to help, saying I had the problem, that all kids did this. Did they?!
One summer she wanted to go and stay with her Dad back up north. So I paid her fare, took her up there, after having had Social Services check he was stable.
Then came the phone call that she wanted to stay there and was not coming home.
It was once again rejection in my life, but as I said to her, my job has never been to make you unhappy in life...
But she'll bring out the best and the worse you can be......#
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