Should I stay or should I go now

# If I stay there will be trouble....#

Once the haze in front of my eyes cleared, I switched into nurse mode. Grabbing tea towels, stemming the flow, wrapping them tightly around his wrists. Alerted my mum who lived across the estate and where he had dropped my daughter off 5 minutes earlier. Called an ambulance, waited..
My mum brought my daughter to the flat, this was not a good idea for obvious reasons, but she was not of firm mind also as you know!
Sitting in the ambulance, asking him why? He just sat staring into space in a substance influenced dazed state. The anger whelled up inside me squashing my chest so much it hurt. Choking back tears of hurt, anger, distant memories of this past hurt from my childhood back tenfold in front of me.
Whisked into A/E, into a mass of people I worked with, who with professional attitude carried on regardless, with knowing looks and sympathy.
The psychiatrist who breezed in and breezed out. Advice to contact the emergency clinic to arrange an appointment if he got unstable again. The so called caring NHS, who didn't seem to care less, was blaringly obvious.
Home, trying to sympathise, talk it through, understand. When all I really wanted to do was scream "How could you do this to me and why?"
My mums words echoing in my head "You never say how you really feel"
Why was this? Why could I not just stand up and say how I felt?
He sat there with bandaged wrists, and out tumbled a long story. Suffice to say things were revealed that I had never known had happened from this man in front of me.
This was so alarming, that I looked at him and realised I really knew nothing about him at all. You can have what you think is stable, and it can be swept to the floor in one fell swoop. I felt as if the ground from under me was being swept away.
He really had never cared for me at all. I had been the ultimate numpty, entrusting in someone who had never been truthful from day one.
He said he only loved this girl, and never me.
What would you do? Walk away? Forget him? Thats what I should have done. It was handed to me on a plate. He said "Tell me to leave"
But no, I begged him not to leave. this was re-enacting the episode from my Mum and Dad, like a BBC repeat.
He refused to see a counseller even though I tried so hard to make him see sense.
We went and bought a house, started again you could say. Except this was papering over the cracks. The drinking got worse, although thankfully the violence did not. I feel this was by luck rather than chance. However, the emotional abuse was far far worse. To this day those words stick in my mind and you will find that I rarely look in a mirror, as those scars will never ever fade.
My daughters behaviour problems worsened, many psychologists again saw her. Again nothing solved. I despaired of ever getting help. She was, is such a beautiful girl but 24 hours a day with a full time job, mentally unstable husband and Mum, I was bending, ready to snap.
Something had to give. There were so many days when I just wanted to run and never look back.
One day a letter arrived. It was from the Salvation Army. It was my paternal grand-mother. She was writing on behalf of my Dad. Could she find out my address as he wanted to meet me? This was 25 years after he had left me and Mum in Manchester. There had been no contact. I knew nothing about this man. He was a stranger. I had never wanted to meet him. It had never entered my head.
But as I sat there with this paper in my hand, a thought entered my head.... should I?

# So come on and let me know should I stay or should I go?.....#