Think I'll get my coat

# Did you think I'd crumble, did you think I'd lay down and die?....#

As my Dad drove me the many miles back up north many memories flashed through my mind. The broken promises, some happy times, but more sadness than joy.
I analyse myself far too much.I am your typical deeper than deep Scorpio
I blamed myself. It must be me? My Mum had told me so. All this was my fault
I was still in this vicious circle then, and I truly believed that.
Halfway there, my Dad said "Do you still like horses?"
I was a little startled and admitted it is a main passion in my life, why did he ask.
He went on to explain that he took me for horse riding lessons as a small child. Delving deep into my subconscious I could see it. Me up high on a beautiful black horse, Dad at the side holding the reins. The sun shining,my feet slipping in the huge stirrups, giggling and happy. He also told me about the time when my Mum took a short cut with me in my pram across Epsom racecourse. She was horrified to look up and see and hear the large group of horses and thundering hooves coming towards us. There was a race meeting on!!
I think my parents were trying to tell me something 'eh?!
It suddenly all made sense now. Why I had always love horses. My favourite books and film was Black Beauty and Follyfoot, and I can always be found saying hello to any old Dobbin. I always call myself "freespirit" because that is how I want to be - a horse galloping with a free flowing mane.
On reaching my house I felt a knot in my stomach. Could I really do this? Would he let me go?
My Mum was there, a greeting party. She argued with my Dad, the first time they had seen each other since the split. My Dad was very quiet, avoided the verbal blows. Eventually she left.
My husband and I spent the whole night talking. He admitted he loved someone else, always had, always would. But he then said something that hit a nerve. "You will never leave me, you would never survive without me"
Survive? He didn't know the meaning of the word. I had been surviving since the age of 4. I survived my Dad leaving, my mothers mental illness, lost love, his mistreatment. And brittle and torn I may be, but yes I had survived. So for the very first time, I answered back and said what I thought. "You may think you have broken me, but you have just made me stronger. I will always survive."
The next day I packed my things and loaded them into my Dads car. Strange how you can load up a lifetime into a Ford Mondeo in black plastic bags! I can remember my daughter screaming in the back seat, his face, an expression of disbelief on the doorstep. After that I did not look back. Just calmly said "Just drive Dad please, just go"
My daughter carried on screaming for what seemed like a third of the journey. Unconsolable. I had not done this lightly, I had done it to save her from a lifetime of misery like he had given me. How can you explain this to a four year old? I knew it only too well. I was her, 25 years ago.
As the car drove on, I wondered what would be the next chapter in this numptys life.

# Oh no not I, I will survive. For as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive.............#